Remebering Pops, Recognizing Role Models
September 15th is always a rough day for me. Today would have been my dad’s (Pops as we called him) 64th birthday. Although it’s been 6 years since he passed, time doesn’t really make things go away, it just puts lots of other distractions in the way.
On the way to the cemetery this morning, I was thinking back to the complicated relationship I had with my dad. It started quite early in life I suppose. I was the one he placed the most hope in. He was set on me being a doctor and I played that game right up until the very last minute, then squandered it all. It just wasn’t for me.
I suppose, that was the pivotal moment where potential turned to expectation. My dad was an awesome salesperson - he used to hold the record for the most houses sold in one year for NY (50+ in the 70s). Not bad for a guy who stopped school at the 8th grade and made the jump from Guyana to America with essentially nothing to tow.
It’s a wonderful story really, and one I take inspiration from. I often awe at how much they were able to do with so little. I’m more often ashamed at how little it seems we can do today with the same. I think it’s part of the immigrant work ethic, but everyone’s got a dream and they work hard to pursue it. I’m no different now.
It’s ironic that my dad would be surprised that I would end up running my own business. For my entire life I was surrounded by one of the most enterprising families I’ve ever met. We didn’t have a lot when they first came here and that made it even more rewarding I suppose. From the ripe age of 8 or 9, I already started “working angles” and figuring out where there were business opportunities. It’s in my blood, what could I do?
So the best lessons learned were to be ambitious, be persistent, and be charming (my dad could sell ice to eskimos if he had to). I’ve picked up all of those attributes, at least I think. I don’t know how to NOT do that stuff actually.
The B-side to this tale is also really important. I was thinking today how it’s equally important to realize what you’re NOT, when comparing yourself to a role model. Sometimes, the things you don’t like might be more insightful.
For all my dad was, he was also largely absent. In fact, my grandmother, rest her soul, was the one that raised my brother and I. My parents were out fighting the good fight and that takes a lot of time and sacrifice. It’s no surprise to me that now I’m outright scared of starting a family - I don’t want to be absent.
He was also severely focused. My dad knew all kinds of interesting things - I just wasn’t old enough to share in most of them. The biggest shame really was that when I finally was old enough to “hang” with him, he was taken from us. It’s important to know how to relate to the people you love - that almost always means taking an interest in many things that are directly in front of you. Again, I’m not surprised I’m like this too.
Perhaps the biggest difference between he and I was in our views on the world. My dad had a good heart (the spiritual kind). He did his share of charity and was involved with his church. At the same time, he was a no-fooling kind of guy when it came to business. Unfortunately, that often lead him to the path of most revenue, regardless of what it meant otherwise. I’m the complete opposite and it’s what drove the friction between us.
My focus in the past has largely been on “building”. Perhaps I’m just more socially-minded, or perhaps I just don’t have that killer instinct, but I’ve always cared what the other parties were getting as well. My dad would be able to measure me using a calculator - it all depended on how much I was making. I can’t measure things on that alone. It’s valid in lots of contexts, but it’s not what life is about.
So that’s the short version. The moral being that for everything good we see in people, it’s important to remember where they’re coming from and what drives them. If those motivations are different than yours, maybe it’s actually not the best advice - especially if it comes with too high of a price.